The following covert operation may or may not describe actual events. Places, names, timelines and other details may have been modified, omitted or added in part or as a whole if inspired by events and actions that may or may not have actually occurred and people that may or may not have existed. Verifiably unverifiable but with the core narrative intact. -NOTICE #637BAU
[ OBJECTIVE ] Keep the subject known as “Monster” occupied to distract him for an hour.
0001 Access. It always seems to come down to access. Access to a place, a system, a group or a person. Tonight it’s all of the above.
0002 I need to access Monster’s friendship in order to access his attention so my associates can access his apartment in order to access his computer.
0003 Successful career criminals don’t look like criminals with the exception of most mafias, regardless of country. They tend to be proud of what they represent and wear it like a uniform. So it’s the strangest thing to see Monster looking all sorts of Yakuza, but he is most certainly Bratva.
0004 I was counting on his fascination of the Yakuza and played on it, therefore I was Yakuza for the time being… I arrive at his apartment building.
0005 Monster texted me to park behind his “Gundam”. Confused, I started typing a reply but he texts back “the Nissan GT-R”… I then park.
0006 Like a beautiful woman with too much makeup and trashy clothes, I look at his otherwise sick ass ride in disgust. It was painted to resemble a Gundam robot, a popular anime from Japan.
0007 We knew he obsessed with all things Japanese but this is a bit much. Regardless, I was able to procure a suped up Honda Prelude from an impound just outside of Moscow for the night, for his benefit, of course… Monster walks out of his building and approaches with 2 of his goons.
0008 As if he just popped out of a bad gangsta movie, Monster has a bottle of SKYY in one hand and a lit blunt in the other… I yell out “you fu*kin’ Russian”, he grins and we chest pound then he introduces me to his giant goons, Boris and Boris… I hold in my laughter as I think to myself “I’m living a goddamn cliche.”
0009 The goons squeeze in the back of the robotic GT-R, infamous for its tiny backseats as I, standing a good 7 inches shorter than either of them, slip into the roomy passenger seat.
0010 Monster gets in and hands me the bottle and the blunt, I help myself. He tells Boris #1 “arm!”, then a massive forearm protrudes from the back. He’s wearing a very expensive but very ugly Hublot watch. Monster takes out a vial and pours some white powder on top of his watch and cuts some lines.
0013 My nose burns but for a moment while my soul feels like it’s radiating unicorn aura. Then the beast known as Boris #1 nags to Monster “Boss, what about us?”. He yells back something in Russian and accelerates the car like a drunk teenager.
0014 Driving around aimlessly through Moscow, it all looks beautiful in its profound sterileness, in my current condition that is. But then we park under a bridge along the Moskva River and reality hits, it’s a dump, at least this part of the city.
0015 Boris #2 passes everyone a bottle of Tolstyak then we “na zdorovie”… As we drink watching the river, Monster tells me that this is the exact spot he used to drink and party for most of his childhood and even now on occasion. He gets sentimental, a psychopath, interesting…
0016 The best lie is when it’s rooted from truth or narrated from actual events, so that there’s less creative inventing and more recalling of memory… I tell him about my favorite childhood hangout, all true with just a different location.
0017 “Na zdorovie!”
0018 A silver Mercedes S550 pulls up by the drivers side and 3 well dressed guys get out, each with a bottle of Moët in hand. The driver see’s Monster’s car paint job and starts mocking him, doing a robot dance, taunting him. Not knowing there were 2 of his giant men in the back due to the tints, he continues.
0019 Monster is relatively short but built like a white Bruce Lee. He’s got a baby face, no facial hair and looks like the nicest guy ever, to the point most people would underestimate him. Basically, he looks soft.
0020 As the driver continued to do a mocking robot dance, Monster unholsters his SIG Sauer pistol and leaves it on his seat as he exits the vehicle.
0021 I instinctively attempt to get out of the car myself to back his play, whatever it was, but Boris #1 plants his giant hand on my shoulder and said “It’s ok, boss don’t like when we interrupt.” So I sit in my seat and watch, sans popcorn.
0023 The driver’s friends are shocked and paralyzed like deer on a highway. Monster goes up to one of them and says something that I can’t hear. The friend gives him his wallet and phone, then the other friend does the same… They run away.
0024 Monster takes out brass knuckles from his pocket and uses it to smash the Mercedes’ windows. He then goes to the driver, still on the ground, and whispers something to him. He then uses the driver’s phone to call him an ambulance. He leaves the phone but takes his wallet. He gets back in the robot car, ultra casually.
0025 He holsters his pistol and proudly tells me, “That’s why they call me Monster”. We drive off.
0026 I ask why he didn’t use the brass knuckles from the start. He answered “Because I like to feel their bones when I strike, glass, not so much.”
0027 Bzzzzzzz… Bzzzzzzz… I get a text from “Jenny” with the message “Miss ya, call me”. That’s code for my associates telling me that they’re done.
0028 We get ice cream…